I thought my greatest nightmare had moved out 6 months ago. But yesterday it came crawling back into my dreams.

I had a deja vu dream about her and the incident with bensee. I was shaking when I woke up.

I went for steamboat with Chris yesterday at Bugis area. It was $18.90++ per person cuz it was a Saturday, and I felt it was worth ever penny. The food was great. Ate until so full.

After that went to Bugis library. Borrowed 2 novels =p So long never go out with him alr.

Get ready for a bout of complaining.

Last Thursday, my lecturer wasn't available for the lesson, so another lecturer came in. Because of that, only SIX people came in for the lesson, including me.

THEN, because only SIX people came in, the lecturer had to REPEAT the whole damn lesson again today. WHICH totally makes the 3 to 4 individual counselling IMPOSSIBLE. So in the end, we only had ONE session which the counsellor had to rotate 3 TIMES. I was the first one.

If I wasn't the first one, this post would be even worse.

HELLO? If you're taking the damn course for fun, then go ahead and do it for fun. DON'T AFFECT THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO HOPE TO MAKE A LIVING OUT OF IT. Don't come for lesson, make the lecturer repeat and waste the whole damn 3 hours.

I got so damn mad. I needed to make this course work for me because I needed the credits to get into the university in order to continue.

I just got my results for the first and second module. Both were individual work. I got an A for the first and B for the second. I'm waiting for the 3rd and 4th results to come out. If the 4th one I get a C I tell you I'm gonna screw my partner upside down inside out.

Seriously ah, I don't know what's going on in m****s heads. I say the time, BE THERE AT THAT TIME. Nb, he was freaking late for freaking 2 hours. He doesn't have microsoft powerpoint or even HEARD OF IT. YEA RIGHT. I don't know if he's either that spaced out or he's just weasling out of doing the work.

My part I did fantastically. He didn't even do his work up to par. I had to do his slides for him, which, btw, he didn't even say thank you for. The material he gave me is like what, like shyt la. Then on the day of submission he was freaking 2 hours late when he was the freaking one who needed to finish his freaking part. In the end? HE ONLY DO HALF because NOT ENOUGH TIME.

#$%^&*

Seriously la please. Not one smidget of responsibility.

Dammit. I need to be in a happy place right now. Chris isn't even helping. All I want when I get home is peace and quiet where I can unwind and do the things I want.

I got too many things stuck inside me and inside my mind. The trial counselling went horribly. I got stuck most of the time. Can I even pass this or go into university. I hate my freaking class. No one is taking things seriously.

I want to talk to someone who will listen, and not freaking guess what's on my mind and telling me things I don't want to hear.

I guess this study problem isn't the real problem. The stress is built up from my two other problems that has been with me since last year.

fml..

fmlfmlfml.

Maybe I should just counsel myself.

Wahahaha. I just love that pic. Lolol. It's just for laughs..

Today is my last lesson and I got to submit a 30 min video of myself counselling somebody. Mmm it should be relatively easy to do. Tonight's lesson will be I think 3 or 4 individual sessions of counselling somebody. The lecturer's not looking for a perfect tape, but a tape where we know where we went wrong and corrected ourselves.

But after this I really don't have any idea what to do. There are many choices for me. If I really wanna continue in this line, then I gotta put in 6 years of study. By 26 years old, I can go to ECTA (Executive Counselling Training Academy) for a post graduate diploma then I can start to be a counsellor.

But.. Whole day of listening to people complain? I don't know =/ You can't see more than 3 clients a day or you'll really go crazy. You gotta be a therapist and you gotta have a therapist as well. If you take in all of other people's troubles, you're in for it if you don't have a decent outlet.

Other than that...

Life's been boring.

I forgot to mention one itty bitty thing that I found out yesterday.

The new FMS(S) principal painted over our mural.

Okay like wth?! I'm sorry if you think it's not good enough or whatever, but past students invested months of their time into painting it.

I bet Mdm Lim hit the roof.. I feel so bad for her also. Stupid principal made so many changes. I heard about some of them from Ms Thio. Hah.. Ms Lim was really a God-given compared to the new principal. Yeesh.

At least I knew now. If I had gone back during teachers' day and saw the blank white wall, I would've either gone into shock or had started cursing right there.

He painted over all the classrooms too. I really bet the teachers weren't happy about it one single bit. Man the new FMS(S) really sux.

I spent the day out today.

Sher came over to my place. I watched a little Grey's Anatomy and she surfed the net. After that we went for lunch at KFC. Bought pet food then went grocery shopping ~

I'm proud of my willpower. Only bought things I needed. hehehe. Spent S$15.25. LOL I remembered.

Sher had to take some stuff from my mom's place so I went over with her. Spent some time browsing DVDs to take home to watch. In the end we decided to watch a movie there first before going home. So armed with chips and pesi, we watched The Notebook. Freaking nice show. So romantic and so sad...

Came back at around 8pm.. Think Chris got frustrated with all my unexplained absenses from home ><

When I reached my room, I saw Chris and I just broke down. Thoughts of my father asking me if I wanted a drink, of my mother when I asked if I could come over, and of my parents when I said goodbye to them flooded my mind.

Tears just kept flowing when I thought about how much I miss them and how distant I've gone from them, both physically and emotionally.

But I've been feeling a little better about not living with them. I learnt in one lesson that weighing pros and cons is an effective problem-solver. I tried it, and yeah, I do feel better. Turns out I have more pros than cons about living apart.

I just wish that sometimes Chris would learn to be a little more tactful in comforting somebody.

FYI, being a listening ear and a comforting friend does NOT include forcing on your own beliefs onto me and contradicting whatever I say. It is NOT insulting me and trying to change my way of life. You're not close enough to understand why I do those things and have the right to even comment about it.

Don't even tell me what will and will not make my parents happy. They left me to stay by myself, so I no longer concern myself with what you think makes them happy or not.

Unless they said these words to you themselves then I will consider. If not just LEAVE ME ALONE.

FML.

Chris and I have been fighting a lot. My temper is really short and I get irritated and pissed off by him easily, and that pisses him off too.

I guess its because I've been thinking of my parents, and growing more resentful as I think about them in their "new house". Maybe I really need therapy. I need to talk to someone who can help me to figure out what to do in order to make this easier.

Most of the time I talk to Dave about it. He just tells me to adapt to it and to get used to the fact that my parents aren't gonna be around as much as last time. Not that they were around last time either.

But I guess he understands. His dad is away a lot too and he's not close with his parents. We have this middle child theory. It's a theory that middle children are often the most neglected and the most squeezed out.

Ah. I want to get out of the house and do something with someone other than Chris. I'm meeting Dave for a meal next week. Probably because he's going to China for 2 weeks on 19th April. I havent been talking to him that much lately either. I duno, I'm just not in the mood for anything, it seems.

Geez.

I went to my mom's place on Monday with Sher. My sister borrow my stuff and never return. If I ever wanna see it again then I gotta go get it myself.

Walked to Sher's place then to my mom's place. And now I have muscle ache. My cough got pretty bad. Now it just hurts when I cough.

I don't like going to that house. Although Sher called it "my house", it didn't feel like my house to me. It's like this whole other place, where none of me is involved it, except for a couple of pictures. I still feel resentful that they all have their own room, and my room is supposedly this incredibly tiny portion beside the front door. They tore it down anyway, to make room for the dining table. Incredible how they just lifted me out of the house.

I hear Dave and other ppl talking about eating out with their parents. Me? I hardly see my parents. I had to beg my mom to spend the night with me when I was having a high fever a few days back.

Don't get me wrong, I like my freedom now. But at times it really sucks. I hate saying goodbye to my parents when they go home, and I'm not following. I've cut down on games and started to wake up early in the morning and go to bed at a reasonable time. But they don't see it. Because they aren't here.

They assume I'm still the same person, waking up at 1pm, sleeping at 3am and gaming all day. I would correct them, but whats the use.

People complain about their parents nagging. They don't know how lucky they are until their parents go away. I hear my mom's voice once or twice a week. I really wish I can hear it more often. I hear the cupboard door slide open, and I immediately turn to see if it's my dad.

I miss them so much. I really wish they had the sense to buy a bigger house. But well, someone had to stay with my grandparents too anyway. I may as well be the one.

Hate feeling left out of their lives and out of their home. Hate feeling like a guest in their house. Hate that I have to say goodbye to them every night. Hate it that I don't see them and that I miss them so damn much.

I saw this shirt on ebay. Its so pretty T.T I don't think I'll ever be able to pull it off. Why wasn't I born pretty. =(

Lesson yesterday was great, as usual. I was called a lot because the teacher couldn't pronounce malay names. GG... The last 2 weeks of my course will be hell for me. I still haven't gotten the hang of asking exactly the right qns. And the lecturer did it so well I could have applaused right here and then. Her mind works so fast that all of us were left with our mouths hanging open. Well, mine was, for that matter.

Final assignment before we graduate would be the 50mins tape recording of A COUNSELLING SESSION. Omgggggg. The worse part is, I think the subject has to be someone within the class. Screw it. I thought I would tape and retape and retape on my own subject. So I guess its a one shot thing. Kill-me-now.

I bought Chip and Dale bedsheet~!! Okay you may think I'm nuts, but I think it looks great. Kinda pricey though and my mom was nagging about China's 200 thread count lolol.

Oh well, another day of watching tv, reading my book and playing my game =p